two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
