the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
