Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
