A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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