A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
