I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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