I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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