I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
