Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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