2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
