So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's shark week go big or go home
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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