Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The uberlube is also flammable
this hospital has no fireball
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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