so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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