Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize