I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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