woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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