He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
