I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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