I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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