did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
