You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
