"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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