Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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