omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
