Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
