Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want a musical about memes.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
