Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
