we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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