Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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