I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need to align my fucking chakras
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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