Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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