His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize