Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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