I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Pooping to opera.
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