it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
