If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
