thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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