1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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