This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
