I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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