when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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