Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
