Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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