Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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