Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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