Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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