I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
