So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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