girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
