The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
