i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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