Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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