What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
