Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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