Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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